The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[aquarianskye]

To journal or not to journal?? I should warn any of you that might actually be reading this that many times I give TMI. I will probably tell you a variety of things that you do NOT want to know. For that I apologize. And I am long winded!!

hm, starters...my history. I am 32. I currently weigh 239 pounds. I have been 'larger' my entire life. I can remember the first time I ever realized I was BIG was in second grade when my teacher told me that I couldn't bring snacks in for my birthday because I was too big. She assumed that I would be bringing crap in for my party. I remember going home and telling my mom what was said and getting no response. I decided then that I must be a big girl. I was always as big as the other boys in my class, if not taller. Funny thing is, I only grew to 5'5". I went through school accepting that I was bigger. I am stocky. I have a very dominant German heritage and my body shows it. Back when shoulder pads were the craze I would have to cut them out of my shirts or look like a linebacker wearing football pads.

I can remember being in fifth or sixth grade and going home with a friend after school. I had worn a skirt to school so when we got to her house she gave me some jeans to put on. They were a size 13. They were snug.

Through high school I was in sports so most of my weight was actually muscle. I wore 16 or 18 bottoms. I was actually comfortable with that.

I started my first diet when I was a junior in HS. I started at 211 pounds. Obviously I was uncomfortable with my weight then. I believe I got down to about 183 and stayed there. Comfortably.

I guess that where I am going with all this is that I am a big girl. I have no expectation of getting down to 130 or even 150 pounds. My goal for my shape is maybe 180?? I'm not even sure.

I have four kids, 9,8,6, and 15months. After I had my eight year old I started losing my pregnancy weight. I had an incredible doctor in Indiana. He worked with me on small steps to getting my body back. When I told him that I was unsure of where I wanted to be at the end he suggested that 170-180 would look great on my frame. I guess that at this point I would be happy with getting under 200.

My highest all time weight was 285 two years ago. I went to the doctor about a month before I got pregnant last time and that's what their scale said. I actually lost about 10 pounds when I was pregnant with my baby due to morning sickness right up until about six month pregnant. They actually gave me a prescription to make me stop getting sick because I had lost closer to 20pounds to begin with and then started gaining some back. (don't worry she came out a healthy 7#14oz).

I have started my medifast journey after hearing about it from a girl I used to work with. My husband also worked with a guy that had done it and lost over 100#. I asked my doctor about it in January and he said, HECK YA if that's what you want to do. I had already done a lot of online research. So, in February I started. I tipped the scales at 270 pounds then. Fortunately I have not had a lot of health issues related to being overweight (OR OBESE). When I was pregnant last time I ended up with high blood pressure but it went away by the time I went in for my six week check up.

I am taking this journey because I do not want to turn into my grandparents. I have a grandmother who is in denial about how big she is. She cannot walk without some form of assistance whether she uses a walker, a cane, or someone's arm. She is diabetic. Every time we have family get togethers she always eats things and says 'I shouldn't be eating this.' I do NOT want to be that person. Last time we talked I believe she said she has to take somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 pills a day. I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THAT. My grandfather died in 2002 from heart related problems during a ROUTINE surgery. He had already had quadruple bypass and angioplasty. My grandmother on my moms side is a little healthier. I have dreams of being as active as she is when I am her age. She just turned 73. She is pre-diabetic but controls it with food and exercise. She is a larger lady. And she is now starting to have some health issues.

I am taking this journey for my kids. Not just for my daughters but a lot of this has to do with them. My husband is tall and thin. My son will be tall and is very ripped. He is nine and at the dr today he was 4'11". I can almost look eye to eye with him. My eight year old daughter is 4'6" and weighs 70 pounds. She is model like. They both obviously take after my husband. My six year old is more stocky like I am. She has lost a lot of her baby fat since starting school last year but she is still thick.

I want to set a good example for my kids. I never want them to be embarrassed of me. I do not want them to have to deal with the things I dealt with growing up. I know I said I was comfortable but it was easy to ignore that I was always the biggest girl in class if I kept myself busy.

Wow, I told you I was long winded. I am honestly hoping that by journaling where other people can read it I will be able to uncover some truths about myself and why I got to where I was. Even this far into being 'on-plan' I have horrible days. Like I said in my intro, I've probably spent more time getting back on plan then being on plan. I just know I want this.

Pfhew, done with this for today.

[Mickeyz]

Hi,

Thanks for sharing your story. Nice to have you here.

I know what you mean about family history. My grandmother was always very overweight and did all kinds of crazy things to lose weight and just adjusted her insulin. Needless to say she had tons of major medical problems as a result. So no, let's NOT be like our grandmothers.

Sounds like you have some really reasonable goals and a good attitude.

Looking forward to hearing more about you and sharing your journey!

[katesmom]

Welcome !
You will find a great dela of support here...I just started about 2 weeks ago and really know that this is where I can come and write and talk with people who REALLY understand weight, and eating issues !

Have a great night !

[BabyTrace]

Hi and welcome! Don't worry about providing TMI in your journal. It's all about YOU, so feel free to post as you wish.

Glad to have you along on this journey with us!

Tracy

[Hopebaby]

Welcome! I get pretty long winded myself and as Tracy said, it is your journal and you can write as much or as little info as you want! Best of luck on your weightloss journey!

Linda

[aquarianskye]

Thanks for the replies ladies! I don't know about you, but I have decided that getting all of my crap aired out helps me keep the weight off. I have been on more weight loss journeys than I can count. And the weight always seems to creep back on because I only deal with the food part of it. Never WHY the food part of it. I know for a fact that I turn to food when I'm angry, hurt, upset, whatever. Now I need to figure out why. And airing my dirty laundry helps.

TGIF! I'm looking forward to this weekend. Monday was my kids first day of school this year. We started a new school system. I have had more headaches with vaccination requirements, new doctors, stressed kids, missing records, than I care to deal with. I can't wait to sleep in just a little (if the baby cooperates) and have a nice stress free weekend. We have absolutely nothing planned for the weekend. Which is a good thing. I'm not sure if I'm trying to get sick or just feeling a little run down. I've been walking the kids too and from school. I wear a pedometer daily and before school started averaged right at 10,000 steps a day. That equals just over five miles for me. Since they've started I've walked no less than seven miles a day. I decided to take a few days rest because I am feeling pain in my shins--not quite shin splints yet but getting there. I don't know if I've just pushed myself too hard since Monday but I've got to rest a bit. After I drop them at school I usually walk my subdivision and make sure I go through the hilly part once each way. I think I'll take it easy and just walk to and from for a few days.

Good news, I've got TOM and my scale has not moved. YES this is a good thing. I sabotage myself monthly making the excuse that she's here and I can eat whatever I want. I play by the rules three full weeks of each month and then gorge myself for a week and wonder why I haven't lost more weight. This time is better. Of course I just feel like sleeping right now. The good thing is that my most tempting foods are not even in the house this time so I should be able to resist.

Okay, might catch some zzzzzzzzzz's while screaming meme is taking her morning nap!

[Hopebaby]

Skye - you are supposed to take it easy the first 21 days of MF. If you are used to exercise, cut it in half. If you are not, don't start until after the 21 days. Since you were already walking I think you need to cut way back until your body adjusts to less food.

hth
Linda
ps - when you figure out WHY we eat for all those emotion reasons, please tell me!

[aquarianskye]

Hey Linda! I have actually been medifasting since February. I guess I'm just not used to walking so much at once. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I actually walked them to school and did two full laps around the subdivision. I do usually walk quite a bit, just not all at once. And I usually only do the hills once or twice a day.

I decided to listen to the pain in my body and do some lower impact strength training. I spent $$ on an infomercial and have done the exercises that came with that plan.

If someone would figure out why I eat and sell it I'd be the first one to call in and order! I know I'm an emotional eater but seriously sometimes I am putting food in my mouth and don't even realize it. I have to self talk when I am making dinner for everyone else and say things like "DON'T LICK YOUR FINGERS" or "YOU DO NOT NEED TO TASTE THAT" "RINSE THE SPOON, DON'T LICK IT". My kids always ask me who I'm talking to. If I don't talk though I end up having to spit food out. I'm still re-training myself.

Okay, I'll stop with the caps now!! I come from a very loud family and if I want to hear myself I have to yell!

[Mickeyz]

I know I'm an emotional eater but seriously sometimes I am putting food in my mouth and don't even realize it. I have to self talk when I am making dinner for everyone else and say things like "DON'T LICK YOUR FINGERS" or "YOU DO NOT NEED TO TASTE THAT" "RINSE THE SPOON, DON'T LICK IT". My kids always ask me who I'm talking to. If I don't talk though I end up having to spit food out. I'm still re-training myself.

Emotional eating can be such a mindless act. Maybe because we have used it for such a long time to dull feelings and zone out it's hard to become "mindful". I do the same thing. I don't have a family to cook for, but if I am going to be in the kitchen cooking something other than my L&G I get mentally prepared and keep a bowl of sudsy water next to the prep area to drop utensils into and wash my hands.

[Hopebaby]

Oh wow, emotional eating, mindless eating - guilty! As a matter of fact I just got a book from the library about mindless eating. I am hoping to start it this weekend. If I find any answers I will be sure to let you all know.

Linda

[Sojourner]

Long-winded? Did somebody say long-winded??
Oh, I thought you were talking about ME!

Hi Skye!

Welcome to the boards and welcome to journaling.
Do not even fret about the long-winded thing...there's no way you can be any more verbose than I am (I'm sure someone will jump in here to verify that).
Everyone is right about this being your journal, so jabber away, girl. It's all good.

I've been gone from the boards for a bit and I've been trying to acquaint myself with, and introduce myself to, all of the newbies. So here I am.

Oh yeah ~ I have a suggestion for you about the mindless eating while you're preparing dinner for your family. Chewing gum. If you chew gum during meal prep, you'll be less apt to put things in your mouth or even lick your fingers. We're allowed 5 pieces of sugarless gum per day. It's what got me through the first few weeks. I think Katie uses this technique too (and she's a chef!). Hope it helps...

Ciao!

[Serendipity]

(I'm sure someone will jump in here to verify that).

Yeah, and she uses big words and sometimes even speaks in different languages

[bikipatra]

(I'm sure someone will jump in here to verify that).

Yeah, and she uses big words and sometimes even speaks in different languages

I hate it when people do that!

[aquarianskye]

9/4/07
Good morning ladies. Thanks for all the replies! I do appreciate it. I know it's sorta funny I guess but I feel like I have to work harder since I am now accountable to you guys. I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone!

Wow, I really didn't expect to be so lazy this weekend. I don't spend a lot of time on the computer with my hub home on weekends but I do spend some time checking my email and such. I didn't even log on over the weekend. We take turns sleeping in so we each get one day a week. I get up with the kids on Saturday and then hub gets up with them on Sunday. I did not roll my round butt out of bed until almost ten. It was heaven. Of course that sort of throws me for the rest of the day but I'll take it. Baby, otherwise known as screaming MEME, has been waking again at night. Sometimes not even waking but screaming like someone is cutting her arm off. So, I'm up and down trying to get her situated. Plus poor thing is cutting eight, yes EIGHT, teeth at the same time. All four of her eyeteeth and all of her first year molars. We've been having a lot of fun lately with the crankies.

So, those of you that read this, tell me...I have in the past thought, man, if I could just get my weight under control I would have better...stuff (clothes, job, financial stability, whatever). Do you do that? At this point in my life I am beginning to realize that the weight isn't so much the issue. It's the control. I need to have some sort of control. Not because I'm fat but because I need to know that I can stop. I tried to explain to my hub the other day about me and food. He has learned that if he needs his sweet or salty snacks he needs to have it at work. Or bring a single serving in the house. What chip is it that says you can't have just one? Well that's me. I can't stop myself. I eat the crap and I justify that I can do it because I'm a grown up and no one can tell me what to do. The entire time I'm stuffing my face I'm self talking that this isn't going to hurt me. I'm fine. Whatever other crap is going through my head.

Right now things are quite stressed with us financially. I am dealing with this on a daily basis. If I haven't blabbed about it before we have relocated from Indianan to Texas in June. It was a decision the my hub and I made together. This is where the 'newly reinstated stay at home mom' title comes from. I quit my job. And we relocated. His new company is wonderful, don't get me wrong. But moving is much more expensive than I expected it to be. Our house in IN still hasn't sold. So, we are now making a house payment and paying rent. We did the math when he was given this job offer and financially we could afford for me not to work. The math we did only figured in one house payment. So, financial stress. We are here and I still know next to no one in this town. If I got a job it would end up being something part time simply because of my kids ages. I have no one to leave them with after school and if I put them in 'daycare' then that's all my job would pay for. Kind of defeats the purpose.

I know things will work out. I would just be a nicer person to be around if they would work out a little faster. I guess the point of my ramble...if I can't control the money than I will control the food.

I went through my supply of mf food and I have enough meals to last 45 days. I guess that's where I stand.

On the bright side...I talked to my sister the other day. I told her how much weight I had lost (15 pounds since she's seen me) and she was very excited. Hub and I relocated to Massachusetts a few years ago and I had lost some weight after baby #3 when we lived there. Right now I weigh about what I weighed when we moved back to IN. I realized that it is much easier to lose weight when I am not around my family. Is that horrible? I lost about 40# after baby #3 in MA. And since I've left IN this time I've lost about 15#. My family has just accepted me as 'the fat one'. The just expect me to be fat. And they try and feed me like I should be fat. I don't know? maybe it makes them feel better? My family is a family that meets around food. Someone's birthday? Well, what's mom cooking this time. Labor day? MMM, cookout at mom's. It's easy to get swept off track. I guess that maybe that's why it's easier to do this far away. No temptation.

Okay, gotta get moving. It's a blah rainy day here and I just want to lay back in bed! Hope you all have an awesome day!

[aquarianskye]

wow, feeling totally overwhelmed. I have had some not so great days. Life happens right? We had an offer on our house. It was a horrible offer. $10k less than listed plus they wanted us to pay an additional 6% towards a broker (besides the 6% already written in). We countered, they walked.

Had a back-up type plan. This guy "we buy houses". Not a big enough profit for him. Thanks anyway he says.

So, here's some stress. I find myself wanting to sleep again when my baby takes her morning nap. I'm not sleeping enough at night because I lay in bed hoping that something will happen with the house and soon.

Have been less than faithful to my eating plan. I'm up a full pound since last Sunday. If I would have stayed on I would have been down at least four. I'm back on track today. I've had two MF meals so far and I'm up to 80 oz of water.

I don't know how you guys keep up with everyone else here. I've started reading journals. I feel like I need to go back a ways to see what's been going on. I feel like an idiot telling someone I don't know, HEY! YOU CAN DO IT. Not that I'm insincere. I'm not. I'm just not the cheerleader type (body image thing!!). You guys are really incredible. I guess I just feel insecure about being taken as a phony. I don't want anyone to take my sense of humor the wrong way.

Man, so many insecurities. What if it doesn't stick this time? What if I don't come back?? I can relate to so much of what everyone is talking about. I'm just scared of admitting defeat.

Oh, and pretty sick of being negative. I'm ready to kick some tail and move again. Gotta go get the baby up.

Skye