by alpha femme » November 30th, 2008, 7:49 pm
ugh.
okay, sometimes i feel like sticking a (insert offensive word here) in my mouth. then i realize that i have really been doing that my whole life. i'm relatively sure that my mono is over-- but i wouldn't know for sure because what i did to my body in the mean time has me barely able to move.
i keep hearing robert downey jr's voice, telling the judge as he sat in court once again, "It's like I have a loaded gun in my mouth, and I like the taste of metal." that fits my situation perfectly.
i'm actually considering lapband surgery, but i don't believe it will give me the long term solution. it's like rehab for britney. sure, i'll be cute for a month, but i'll be back slapping a domino's pizza van with an umbrella in no time.
the roux-en-y is highly effective, but the 2% mortality rate and the recovery time scare me.
i scare me. the fact that i don't want to eat-- am physically uncomfortable from eating-- but can't stop scares me. i don't know what to do. i did great on mf the first time. no slips-- never. i worked out. i liked myself-- maybe for the first time, ever.
now, sometimes i wish i could just disappear. but, of course, my ass is too big to to that.