The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[DogMa]

Oooh. Good luck, Alex. I'd say whatever you have, keep portions small to minimize the problems later.

[Aerie]

i hope this isn't a story i save for close friends on drunken nights filled with revelry and tales of shame. i hope my ketosis breath can be constantly masked by gum. i hope she wears something low cut.

I'm about pissing myself as I read this. Your face is soo cute and innocent and "Hey welcome to Disneyland" in your avatar and yet you are so much a very funny and real woman I hope you get your wish.

[alpha femme]

well, the bbq actually went ok. it's a little weird meeting someone's family, friends, and co-workers all at once when you really don't even know them that well... but i tried to be the best, funniest version of myself. oh, you know we all have a side like that.

the downer came when i got home. the "friend" that i wrote about, the one who does not support my weight loss had sent me this email:


i periodically look at your blog - i'm sure you probably know that by now. and to be completely honest, when you first began posting about your feelings about your body, and your weight "check ins" i knew i should have stopped looking at it entirely. but in some bizarre way for me, it was like a traffic accident - complete horror mixed with a compelling need to look some more. so i tried to stay away, but once and a while looked at your updates, cringing all the while. i did this again this morning, and i know now that i can't do it any more. the fervent self-hatred and fatphobia is too much for me to deal with. you can interpret it any way you like, but heres what i see: that you dont like yourself at all. that all you see is fat being bad - you can give me all the explanations of "feeling good about myself" and not getting to do some of the stuff you used to do, but in the most recent posts, it is all about how you look, not how you feel, not what you can or cannot do. and i find it painfully offensive. offensive as a feminist. offensive as a woman. offensive as a person making their way in this world as fat, against an already obviously fatphobic society. and offensive as an activist/ scholar whose work (intellectually, academically, personally, politically) in so many ways revolves around battling such hatred in the world.

i thought i could divorce that part of you from the part that i engage with - i tried even as you in some ways made fun of me for doing it - i tried to assert my beliefs so that we could establish some boundries for how we interact, so i could choose to not put myself in a positive of defense in relation to your own feelings and body choices. but i really just dont think i can do that anymore alex.

anyway, it went on-- yadda, yadda, yadda. ultimately, she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

now, i admit it. i don't like myself all that much sometimes. most of it is not weight related. i do not hate fat people... in reality, i find only "thick" or chubby women attractive. my issues with me are do to my general looks (regardless of weight), the amount of abuse i took from my ex without standing up for myself, and the fact that i am 30 and just now beginning to grow up.

i HATE that i let myself hit 400#. i admit that. i couldn't do crap. i could barely walk for god's sake. if it is okay for someone to be fat, shouldn't it be ok for me to NOT be fat? because we hit a certain weight, does that mean that that weight is our only choice?

i am doing this to reinvent myself. i want to go snowboarding this winter. i want to ride the rides at disneyland. i want to be able to buy clothes anywhere-- not just in stores that charge maximum dollar because you can't get them anywhere else. i want to be able to go up 3 flights of stairs without panting.

i do not think this is a bad thing. but the email confused and hurt me. i told you guys she was stunned when she saw me last monday. it saddens me that other people can turn their issues about weight into this.

[alpha femme]

oh, yeah. i had chicken at the bbq. everyone was intrigued by my discipline and weightloss. the chicken behaved (whew!), but now seems intent on sticking around for a while.

given the choice between weighing an extra # for a day or two and having to ask strangers, "where's your plunger," i think this is the better deal.

[Unca_Tim]

wow Alex,
With friends like that.....

[Karli]

Hi Alex, I hope you don't mind but I feel inclined to post in your journal here... regarding your friend's email.

I think that everything you say and feel regarding why you are doing what you are doing, are right on. And I think the point behind accepting fat is less to do with the fat itself, and more to do with the person. Everybody wants to be given a fair chance as an individual, a person inside and out. And often people are just quick to judge based on appearence. You know this. But my point is that it should go both ways. Yes, if you would like to live your life in certain ways, you, as an individual should be accepted for your desires under the same standard that the desire to accept fat comes from. And in reality, fat can be very inhibiting, whether mentally or physically, but especially physically. And even if beauty had nothing to do with it, not being able to get around the way we would like has a mental toll of its very own.

Anyway, I would venture to say that your friend is actually just feeling a little confused about her own feelings regarding the subject... even though she feels she has taken a stand on one side. And she is taking personally all of the things you feel you do not like about being something other than your fittest self. That's just not your fault.

Keep up with your wonderful reinventing !! Afterall, whatever form that takes, I think that's what life is all about. You are living :).


Karli

[alpha femme]

just a side note:

normally, i would never post anyone's email to me. however, this email and its effect on me are very relevant to this forum. in addition, the person who wrote this has chosen to no longer be a part of my life, which, i feel, give me some latitude.

at first i felt like my decision to lose weight had cost me something.
now, i realize that the only thing that has been costing me is my continued desire to put others' needs above my own.

[Arklahoma]

... now, i realize that the only thing that has been costing me is my continued desire to put others' needs above my own.

Alex ~ Not a truer word could be spoken. This person seems very self-centered and egocentric. I know it's hard when relationships don't work out, but I hope that you can push forward and do what you need to do (whatever that is ~ not just weight loss) to be healthy and happy. You deserve it!!!

[Sarya]

Wow Alex, I'm stunned that someone could take all of their own hangups and so neatly place them at the door of a person they supposedly considered their friend. I can understand you being hurt and confused, but remember in the end it is your former friend who is really hurt and confused. She wants the world to accept her as she is yet she is unwilling to accept that you yourself are working on your own acceptance. Just because she wants to love her fat, doesn't mean everyone else has to feel the same way.

...

That said you do seem to have a self esteem problem. I don't think you'll disagree? From all I have seen you are an intelligent and beautiful woman. I know you don't believe the rest of us, but it's true. You sparkle in those pictures of you. It might not be a bad idea to work on the self esteem in addition to the weight loss. In some ways they may be coupled, but in other ways they may not be.

And I'm fairly certain that most people nowadays do have a self esteem problem to get over. With the media telling people everyday that they aren't good enough unless they have/do/are XYZ it's not too surprising. I know I do

Anyway I've chattered long enough. I hope you aren't too broken up about the loss of the friend. It doesn't sound like she was being very friend-like anyway.

[Serendipity]

Sheeeez, If that's femanism, activism, and scholarly, I don't want any of it!

Alex, you can't take what she said to heart. She is evil.

[DogMa]

Sarya, I was going to say the same thing. Alex, you're so much better off without this person in your life, and I know somewhere inside you know that. She's selfish, she's angry and she's violent (this is the same person, right? your ex?).

That said, you have some big self-esteem issues and she's right that you should work on them. Working on self-esteem and accepting yourself doesn't mean you have to accept the fat, however. Whether you want to lose weight to feel good, to do things you couldn't do before OR to look good, it doesn't matter and it has nothing to do with feminism and empowerment. Who says you can't be a strong woman and look - and feel - healthy?

But I do wish you could look in the mirror and see the attractive woman we see. Maybe after I finish that book on body image that I ordered I should send it to you!!

[alpha femme]

Sarya, I was going to say the same thing. Alex, you're so much better off without this person in your life, and I know somewhere inside you know that. She's selfish, she's angry and she's violent (this is the same person, right? your ex?).

scarily enough, this person is NOT my ex. my ex is far, far crazier that that. yeah, i just attract the freaks, huh?

do i have self-esteem issues? absolutely! i do understand where they all came from, and (i hope) that distance from the problem will help them dissipate. frankly, 3 years ago i had enough self-esteem for 3 people. i also had a lot of compassion and empathy, and these qualities can be used against us by manipulative people.

so, anyway, my self-esteem issues are more rooted in the 2" scar on my forehead and the way it got there than in weight. but that is for another forum.

[DogMa]

This is someone else? Good riddance to her, then! It's sad to lose friends, but when they're that toxic, it's a good thing.

And scar or no scar, you're very pretty. And the bangs totally cover it up, anyway.

[Sarya]

Besides we all have scars!! It gives us something to talk about once in a while

I'm sorry about the self-esteem stuff.. I can gleen where you are coming from with it, and I totally get it. I used to be a lot better with my own self esteem before I had a string of relationships that seemed to systematically chip away at it. I'm getting better yet again, but I still occasionally let people walk on me when I shouldn't.

[alpha femme]

well, the great financial aid caper continues. I'm glad this is (hopefully) my last quarter. it will be nice to be able to have options to decide what i want to do when i grow up. i figure i WILL grow up one day....

i weighed in this afternoon: 257. i'm pretty happy about this.

as for everything else.... f-it. i'm sorry that some people are miserable and want to make others feel that way. i was thinking about it (briefly, because i just don't care enough to expend a lot of energy), and in order for lauren's claims to be valid, then every single person would have to pledge to never lose weight in order to be her friend. i choose to never be static again. i choose to always have the ability to change. so, i guess, i choose to move on.

when i met her, she was interested. i was not (i was involved, but wouldn't have been down anyways). we became friends, and have been for over a year. when i became single again, it did not change the fact that i wasn't into her (although i flirt with EVERYONE; seriously, i'd hit on a tube of lipstick if the shade was hot).

part of me wonders if the fact that i have very recently begun going out again contributed to her epiphany.... because i don't think i can be considered fat phobic; i just want to freakin' snowboard this winter. but, it is what it is.

i'm glad everyone is comfortable enough with me to call me on the self-esteem issues. frankly, it makes me trust and value your opinions more.

on a side note, my right boob is now distinctly smaller than my left.
it - is - a - situation!