miss lilly did not get paid for her photos. she has to consider it a learning experience. bad things can happen to young puppies in l.a. there are fur peddlers everywhere looking for fresh whiskers. it's just a terrible shame.
*** the following is very personal, and not at all mf related. if you think you would rather be kept in the dark about my personal life, please stop reading now. there is nothing graphic, but.... ***
so, i had decided to stay in last night... when ms right now called around 10:30. i really should learn my lesson. this girl has every sign of being just as crazy as my ex-- who has proven in the last 7 days that she is certifiable. when i thought we were committed, i didn't realize that she really needed to be.
anyway, ms right now is high maintenance, hot, and (for whatever reason) really likes me. it's just that i am so damn fickle. sometimes i think she is incredibly attractive-- and sometimes i'm, like, "uh, no."
(i have, in the past, acknowledged that i include myself in my "women are crazy" stance.)
i took her for a drive down to long beach, and showed her one of my favorite places on the water. and then i cheesed and wouldn't even hold her hand (to keep it pg for all of you). i really do need to begin exploring other people. i just, for whatever reason, cannot get into it. nothing seems to fit.
i realized that i am very uncomfortable with, and in, my body. i do not know how to change it. most people who want to move on would be thrilled with a hot girl who wants to help them.
as we drove back from the lbc, she said that she got the feeling we would never be more than friends. i agreed. she then said, "i don't want that. i'm not going to be one of those people who says, 'ok. that's ok.'"
so, i am not misreading her. i just can't get beyond me. i am my own worst enemy these days.
party girl, another new friend (for lack of a better description), has invited me to accompany her to a friend's bbq and party tomorrow. i feel awkward about meeting almost everyone who is important to her before we even know each other well.
i used to worry about embarrassing my ex with my looks or my lack of grace. looking back, i realize that she was damn lucky to have me. but that doesn't improve my perception of myself any. i just need to figure out where i fit. i don't feel like i belong anywhere right now. i don't feel connected to myself.