The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[jene115]

While I'm sitting here for the next 45 minutes doing my compression boot therapy, I decided I would write down a little about me so you can get to know Jen. I'm doing this for times in the future when I need a good swift kick in the butt for whining. As much as I hate whining, I am guilty of it and I can be the queen of excuses.

Without getting into childhood issues and all that stuff, we'll just say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I used to take pride in how far I've come with my life and how well I handle things. But it seems I wasn't handling stuff as well as I thought I was or I wouldn't find myself with almost 300 pounds on my 5'1" frame.

I grew up thin, but in the post-Twiggy days of the 1970s, even if you were thin, you thought you were fat. Truth be told, I was about 112 pounds growing up and well into my 20s Partying put weight on me and I got up to about 120, which is still cool. I have good muscle tone and can handle it. In fact, at 127 (the last "skinny" weight I remember being in 1984) I looked fine. But stuff came back to haunt me in the 1980s and rather than face it head on, I stuffed the bad feelings down with food. I could put away some food, let me tell you! I entered an eating disorders clinic in 1987 and spent Christmas as an inpatient. I came out of there with the label "compulsive overeater.' I HATE LABELS!

In 1999, I was up to 260 pounds. I moved to Houston the first time in 1984 at 127 pounds and left Houston for Colorado in 1998 to get married at 227 pounds. 100 pounds gained in 14 years! Then I gained 33 pounds in an unhappy marriage. Can you say miserable. In September 1999, I started the Atkins Diet and lost 37 pounds in six weeks, then found out about the Body for Life challenge and started that in January 2000, losing another 13 pounds. I was down to 209 pounds, got divorced, started dating and I had just a small glimpse of what it was like being "thin." At 209 I was by no stretch of the imagination skinny, but I looked much less than 209 because I had been weight training. Unfortunately, after the divorce, I felt very alone. My best friend got divorced when I did, but (stupidly) married again right away and moved to Texas. I didn't handle being alone in a place where I really didn't have any friends. Then 18 months later, my mom died, my law firm closed and I just shut down. I stopped working out and never left the house, except for work. My knees started going bad around this time and it hurt to work out anyway. I found another job, got laid off when my boss went on maternity leave, so I found another job and hated the law firm. I decided to move back to Houston and left that job and moved back here in August 2003. I ended up losing my first job since moving back, but it was a blessing because I'm with a great firm now and got a $6,500 raise by changing jobs

Fast forward to 2005, as in 2004, I do nothing. I have no life to speak of. I work, come home, veg in front of the TV with whatever fast food I've picked up on the way home. I finally hit the wall a few weeks ago and when I saw a MediFast commercial, I remember how well I did on it in 1987 and "knew" that this was the right program and the right time for me. It's not a matter of wanting to lose weight to look good anymore. I have high blood pressure, lymphedema, osteoarthritis in my knees. I've been blessed in that I've managed to dodge the bullet of diabetes and all my blood work is good. My triglycerides are a little high and my bad cholesterol is a little high and the good cholesterol a little low, but my total cholesterol is under 200. Exercise will take care of that.

I have no reason whatsoever that I can't do this, no reason to fail. Like Berkshire Girl said, losing weight, dieting, is a mental thing and that's so true. It wasn't just my mouth that got me fat, it was 95% my head and looking to food to solve my problems. Food is one thing, fuel for the body. It doesn't solve your problems.If you want to change anything, you have to change your mind. My favorite phrase is "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Change your mind, change your life! I know I had the make the decision to change, to lose this weight, to exercise when I'm able and to get healthy.

So when I get my food and I start on this journey, I am going to be brutally honest with how I'm handling this. I have no illusions that it's going to be a cake walk. Not eating solid food is tough, but I know it can be done and I'm going to do it. Succesfully. If you hear any whining from me, I want you to call me on it, ok?

[guest]

Hi Jen! I am new to the MF program, I am 35 and I am 100 pounds over weight. I have tried just about everything and figured this one sounded like a wonderful program and then I came accross this wonderful support group! I have been using my MF products for 5 days now, and it has been hard but I am getting use to it now. And ALL the stuff that came in my starter kit TASTE Great! I will weigh myself tomarrow and see how I have done, as of this morning it showed a 10 pound loss and I am doing the 5-1 plan, Not bad! I just hope I can keep on with this and get this weight down! I am not ME with this extra 100 pounds and I feel as if it is time to get MYSELF back. You will love this program and love the products. I come here often so I can keep my mind off food and onto what is important and that is sticking to my goal. Good luck on your journey and hope to see you on the boards. WELCOME TO THE GROUP!

[MamaD]

Hi Jen, welcome to the club,
You post was wonderful...I am always impressed at the way people put themselves "out there" through this board.

I have been trying to do a re-do and was doing ok till last week when my daughter had to have some unexpected surgery...to say that I was not true to the program would be an understatement. I know what to do, but at the first sign of stress I revert back to my foodways. I was compliant for 2 weeks, and did great...so today is day one again. I am getting pretty tired of day one...but at least this time I am not waiting a year and 20 more pounds to lick my wounds.

Be religious about coming to the boards...drink that dang water and find something to do with your hands at night...I'll be your stress eating cyber friend...Lord knows I can stress eat.

As Nancy, our mentor of all things thing and wild would say.. "Welcome aboard the train to thinsville!"

[Carrie]

Hi Jen,

Nice to meet you!

I think you will find that many of us have similar stories to share. I saw a lot of myself in your post.

I too, felt like I was handling my life pretty well, all things considered. It was almost a surprise to me (don’t ask me how) to realize one day that weighing 266.5 pounds and eating crazily was a pretty clear sign that I wasn’t dealing with my life.

I recognize now that for as long as I can remember I have used food to medicate myself, as a companion, as a source of comfort, celebration, you name it. As a child it was a special treat to get to lick the beaters and bowl when my Aunt baked us cookies, cakes, etc. Fall down and scrape your knee? Here, have a bowl of ice cream. Birthday party, Christmas, any gathering, gather round the table and eat eat eat. I remember very vividly being 18 and angry with a boyfriend – the thought that popped into my head was ‘I’m so mad I want a hot fudge sundae.’

I managed to keep my figure until my mid 20’s. Maybe a few pounds overweight but nothing excessive. Then while in college I experienced a series of losses, and fell into a severe depression. And though most sources insist that the more common reaction to depression is a loss of appetite, for me it let loose a voracious, insatiable appetite. I consumed vast quantities of carbohydrates, mostly simple sugars in the form of candies and baked goods. I would purchase a pan of brownies from the store and eat it all in one night. I survived mostly on this formula of ‘nutrition’ and can recognize now that my body, though stuffed with thousands of calories a day, was surely starving for protein. My circadian rhythm turned upside down and I found myself unable to sleep at night, falling into exhausted sleep around daybreak and sleeping most of the day away. I missed the vast majority of my classes, and squeaked through by rallying enough to pass exams. During this time I gained weight very rapidly, evolving through sizes until mostly I wore my then fiancés big and talls.

I climbed out of the depression after over 2 years. But a more healthy emotional and psychological state did not translate into managing my weight. I spent most of my 20’s and my early 30’s in the 230-270 range, desperately miserable about my weight but seemingly unable to change it. I didn’t make any major, sustained efforts to lose weight – I couldn’t make it more than a couple weeks. Food was what I gave myself to make up for the losses and disappointments of my life. It soothed and comforted me, it was my friend and companion. It also made me so ashamed of myself that I didn't have any life to speak of either - if I managed to get myself to go out somewhere mostly I thought of how other people must be looking at me thinking how fat I was. Turns out food wasn't really my friend after all.

Early last year after some initial success at trying to lose weight I found myself gaining rapidly again. I was thrilled to be attending a John Prine concert with several of my friends. I went to dress for the evening and could not fit into my size 26 jeans. The biggest I’d ever owned. I was mortified to have to wear a pair of sweat pants that evening. Deciding that I couldn’t simply moderate my diet and lose weight I searched for a meal replacement diet on the internet and found this website.

To be perfectly honest, I decided to give MF a whirl mainly because 1) I knew that it would take several days for my shipment to arrive (meaning that I would binge until then – guiltlessly) and 2) it stated very clearly that exercise was discouraged for the first month, and not necessary after that. PERFECT. A week of binging before my food arrived, and nobody pushing me to exercise. Now, I realize how sick that sounds, but that was my thought process at the time. I plotted out, based on Nancy’s results, exactly how long it would take me to lose 130 pounds and I decided that come h**l or high-water I was just going to do it. Mostly, it was an effort made out of sheer desperation. Size 26 didn’t fit anymore – that’s the biggest size the stores sell.

I know now that it isn’t that easy, it isn’t a one-time decision, and we don’t all sail through to the finish line without falling down. It isn’t about losing the weight as fast as I can, and the pervading thought of ‘when I get the weight off I can eat whatever I want’ is a false one – a trap door.

I have been a member of this forum for 11 months now. I haven’t made it to my goal weight. I definitely am not the best example of success. I still have a long way to go. My experience has been like this:
Mar – June: Starting weight 266.5, lost 40 pounds.
July- Aug: Off plan, but maintained loss
Sept – Oct: On plan, lost 25 pounds
Nov – Mid-Jan: Off plan, maintained loss

I have just recently begun my 3rd phase of weight loss. This isn’t how I planned it. Matter of fact I didn’t really have a plan or ever really believe I could lose weight. It would have been nice to lose it all at once (I’d be done by now). But I found that I couldn’t maintain the program for that long – out of sheer complacency and boredom. So when I have gone off the program I have made sure that I maintain my level of weight loss.

What I have learned over these 11 months is that this is an everyday, lifelong decision. My relationship with food had to change. The way I think had to change. It isn’t simply about getting the weight off, it’s about dealing with why I gained it in the first place, and I DO NOT mean because I overate – I mean the REASONS why I overate. I have only just begun to dig out and make sense of all the unconscious thought patterns that drove me to eat. I have only just begun to learn to reprogram my beliefs about food. I still fall into using it to medicate from time to time – after all this is a lifelong coping mechanism – but they are decreasing in intensity and duration to the point of being able to maintain my weight.

This is not easy. Matter of fact it is the hardest thing I have ever done. But it is worth it a million times over. There is no comparison between the me of 266.5 pounds feeling miserable, hiding from life, ashamed, out of control, ugly and desperate and the me of 198 pounds – proud of myself, attractive, joyful, deserving and confidant. Size 26 jeans to size 16 jeans. I no longer abuse myself with hateful self-talk, and I no longer delude myself that food will make ANYTHING better in my life.

I have had to face and accept the fact that the way I comforted myself was self-destructive, that eating enough to weigh 266 is not taking care of myself. Food is not my friend. I have had to practically force myself to accept that I want to care for and respect myself by living in a way that is not self-destructive. This means choosing to eat healthily over medicating myself with volumes of carbs. I must have the courage to face life, with all its problems and losses, without covering it up with food.

I believe that this is a decision I am going to have to make every day of my life, and that is ok. Because this is a decision that affirms my life and my value. Making this decision makes me feel good about myself and is an act of loving myself. I know I need to lose more weight and I will. I have let go of having a set goal weight, and know that when I get there I will recognize my optimum healthy weight. Be it 135 or 150. I don’t know how much longer this will take, and that too is irrelevant. What matters is to keep working at it. Daily.

I can see from the level of thought you have put into this that you are beginning to challenge the old way and are looking for a new way to live. Change is possible. We can all do this. Just keep working at it.

Carrie

[raederle]

Carrie and Jen, thanks so much for being brave enough to post your stories. It means a lot to me and I'm sure to many others here, especially us newbies who are stilll rockin' around on shaky legs during this journey.

I take away from your stories a lot of hope and strength-- so thank you... I couldn't do it without you!

[Carrie]

P.S. 2 books that have been invaluable to me are 'Fattitudes' and 'I wish I were thin, I wish I were fat.' They help you get inside your head and challenge all those old thought patterns.

[mindovermatter]

Thanks Jene and Carrie. Your heart felt words, mean alot to me. I wish I could express those feelings as well as you do. That is half the battle, being able to recognize the feelings and then talk about them. Instead of feeding them.

Beth

[jene115]

Wow, Carrie! With just a little change in the scenery, our stories are very similar, at least the way we used foods to medicate outselves. I think even now, with the bad stuff behind me and worked through, I'm still feeding my emotions, but mostly from being alone. I have good friends, but their kids keep them busy. I sometimes feel no one has time for me. Yes, pity party, and I know that. Since my knees went south, my life has gone the same direction. I can only pray that losing the weight will help my knees because I can't live like a hermit. I'm too much of a people person. I'm a social butterfly. I love going out, I love to meet people, I love life, but you would never know it, by the reflection of the life I'm living now. The outside doesn't fit the inside. I want so much to have my outside (body) reflect what I feel on the inside. I'm beautiful, inside and out. I have a lot to offer, whether I'm fat or thin. Why does fat hold us back from living a life worth living? Why do we keep reaching for that doughnut, or that bag of chips, or that double cheeseburger, thinking it's going to make us feel better?

I tend to lean toward perfectionism and I am going to do everything in my power to not have any sliip ups, but I am well aware that they can happen. Just like an alcoholic is told to take it "one day at a time," I too will have to live by that mantra. I resisted the urge several times today to set weight goals for each month end, putting it in Outlook and like before, if I didn't reach my goal, then hell, all is lost and I will just eat. That will make me feel better. But it never does.

I want this so bad I can taste it. I want to see the other side of 200, I want to fit in a size 6, I want people I haven't seen in years to take one look at me and have their jaw drop, I want to be able to walk without pain, I want to stop taking BP meds, I want to turn heads again, I want to fit in an airline seat, I want, I want, I want!!!

Carrie, thank you so much for sharing your story. I know many of us can feel alone in our fatness, like no one could ever understand what we feel, or what it's like, but this forum and all the people in it know. We know all too well what it feels like. We are all here to get healthy, wear the clothes we want, or wherever our dreams take us. I am so very blessed to have found this site and this forum. I feel I found a home and am really looking forward to getting to know you and the others.

[jene115]

MamaD, thanks for the welcome. If you've ever seen Star Wars, you will remember Yoda saying "Do or don't do, there is no try." That's my absolute favorite thing I say to myself when I hear myself say I'm trying.

You can do this. Just make the decision. One shake at a time girl. Life is always gonna happen.

I plan on being here for the long haul and believe me, there's going to be times when I will be leaning heavily on this group, but I want to encourage too. We are all in this together.

I can definitely use a stress eating cyber friend! Sometimes, I come home from work and am so stressed from the day and the traffic, I could eat anything not nailed down, but I intend to change how I handle stress, as soon as I figure out how

[jene115]

Carrie, I thought I would tell you that I read ths forum at work some today (my boss is out of town so I goofed off a little. Anyway, I logged onto amazon and ordered the two books. I love to read so now I will have those two and Success in a Shaker Jar. That should keep me busy for the first month anyway, lol

[hawaiiwhatnot]

What a motivating thread THIS is!

It's GREAT! Man, I bet 9 out of 10 of us who have eating issues can relate to what's being discussed here! It's soooo great to hear others who have the same struggles. THANK YOU...

I am at goal (actually 5 lbs below), feel great, but have to apply the same positive attitude every meal every day to keep myself in check. Life DOES happen, has happened to me lately, and I've been able to successfully NOT medicate myself with food to my own amazement.

I too saw the MF commercial, and that's what got me on the internet where I ordered it. It gave me hope when I thought there was none left. I found this forum on Day 5 of my weight loss plan, and what a gift I gave myself by joining. I'm glad you all are here too. Your sincerity and true feelings (the pleasureable and the painful) help me so very much.

You have no idea how much better I feel about everything now that I've accomplished my goal. I want EVERYONE to feel this same feeling too. What a happy world it would be! Excuse me, WILL be! Keep shaking!!!

Camille

[Carrie]

Hi Jen -

I'm down with the flu - but wanted to at least say that as soon I'm feeling better, there's a bunch I want to share....I'll be back as quickly as possible....

Carrie

[jene115]

Camille, Oh how I envy you living in paradise! Congratulations on losing 70 pounds! WOW! I lost 51 pounds in 1999-2000 and even though I wasn't anywhere close to my goal, I saw a glimpse of what it felt like to be there. I was so happy and life just seemed easier somehow.
I agree with you. If everyone could just feel the euphoria you feel when you reach your goal, it would be a wonderful world!

[jene115]

Carrie, I'm so sorry to hear you're down with the flu. I had a bad sinus infection a few weeks ago and just finished my drugs last week. I absolutely hate being sick. Here's to a speedy recovery for you

I'm looking forward to more your insight.

[RavenKat2]

Jen,

What a story! I just wanted to say HI and welcome!

I completely understand the "No Life" thang you are currrently going through. I haven't seen some of my friends in several years because they would have been shocked at my weight. At least, that's the way it felt. After 59 pounds gone, I am all about running into them again. When I lose the last 35 I will probably start dropping in on them unannounced!

You sound driven and that's great. That initial desperation and anger will carry you far. I find that self-pity (that I am prone to) does NOTHING to further the cause, but anger is quite the dieter's friend. Anger at having waited so long, anger at treating myself so badly, anger at letting food rule me. Good luck!!!!!!!!!

Kat
and I'll call you out if I catch you whining!