The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

Well, I'll just say that at this point, I can't imagine being able to exercise self-control when it comes to sweets. I've never had a whole package of cookies in one sitting, but I have had a third of a package of Oreos all at once. And I certainly could polish off the bag in one day, just not one go. And don't get me started on cake....

So I did resist last night - I colored in the day as completed before it actually was so that I'd have to be strong the rest of the night, which was only a couple of hours. I can totally do this, this time. Let's get the weight loss journey over with, and then I can start the transition adventure - a blessed respite before having to jump into maintenance officially.

Sometimes my biggest enemy is me - well, duh, I guess. But I get to thinking that I can't possibly be thin, I wouldn't know how to act or walk or live without all this fat on me. I'd be, like, naked. All the things I think I want, and can have by being thin, start to scare me. In my sane moments I realize that the only thing being thin would change is my clothing size. I'll still be me, I'll still be insecure around new people and I'll still think I look stupid when I dance, and I'll still have lazy days where I don't want to do anything but lie in bed all day. Being thin doesn't mean my whole self will be different, just the outside. And if anything does change inside, I'm sure it would be beneficial to me anyway.

The only way to find out is to rise to the challenge I've set myself, and try to reach goal as quickly as possible by not cheating.

If Jo were still here, she'd whip me for saying this, but I feel guilty not admitting it. I've avoided the word 'compliant' and instead am using 'on-plan' because I haven't been 100% compliant. I've had extra protein two days. And I don't measure my condiments. And a few days I've had pickles and soy crisps, and one day I had 5 extra pickle spears because I was feeling hungry/munchy/vulnerable to cheating. And my water consumption has been just awful. I believe I'll pick up steam and eventually get to 100%, but for now a victory is any day where I don't have even a smidge of something that's not allowed - even if I end up having too much of what is allowed. We're not talking 17 hamburgers or anything like that, just a couple of ounces extra protein. I know exactly what needs fixing if I stop losing this way.

I feel better saying that. I felt like I was lying all this time. But I feel good about what I'm doing, and I will make it to 100 days only if I give myself permission to not be perfect, but to be doing what I need to do to make it there. Otherwise I'd have never made it even 4 days, because the first time I had extra protein I'd have just grabbed something bad for me since I'd screwed it up anyway. So I'm sorry to Jo, I know she felt strongly that 100% was the only way to do it - and she had her own food demons to deal with so it was just as hard for her as it is for all of us - and I respect her opinions a great deal. But this is where I am at this moment.

[nickieluv]

I did have a L&G today, but getting such a late start (first supplement at noon) I'm having a double cocoa right now just before I head to bed and let me tell you, it's even too sweet for me almost! Just trying to get it down and then I'll be up to bed, reading.

Can I just say how excited I am with how I'm doing so far? I feel like this time-based rewards system is keeping me much more focused than the weight-based one. I'm guaranteed a perk every three days, as long as I stay on plan. How can you beat that?

I am psyched to weigh in on Sunday - and Monday is my postpartum OB appointment and I am excited that I'm going to have lost at least 20 pounds since I had the baby. 15 of that was just nature doing it's thing, so maybe it will even be 25 pounds by Monday! It's just important to me because my doctor was pretty clear that he thought I was gaining too much during the pregnancy. To have more than half of it gone when I see him next would be really sweet, only 5 1/2 weeks after having the baby.

Well, I have more cocoa to choke down - too sweet! - and then it's off to bed and yet another day under my belt. I am 5% of the way to my 100-day goal!

[nickieluv]

So I squeezed into my size 18 jeans today. I have a major muffin-top because I am still so squishy from the baby expansion, but the legs fit fine - which means I've already made some progress because I tried to put them on a few weeks ago and couldn't even get them past my knees. Yay! I don't have to wear the maternity jeans anymore!!!!!

[DogMa]

That's great! And as for the extra protein, do what you need to do. It's far better than diving face first into a pizza.

As for the rest, give it time. Heck, when I started, I didn't think I could stick with it as long as I did. And I never thought I'd see a day when I could eat one little piece of chocolate or one cookie or whatever and walk away. It happens.

And you're totally right about what will change and what won't. All my fundamental character traits, good and bad, are still there. My size has changed, my energy level has changed, my health is better (not that it was bad before) and maybe I've gained some self-confidence along the way. But those are all positive changes, and things I would have welcomed at any weight. I'm still the same person I was before, and the people who loved me three years ago (and whom I loved) still love me. Which is really all that matters.

[nickieluv]

In my head I can be rational about what will and won't change, but it still takes a while to believe it. You fantasize about being thin and how it will solve all your problems - but it will only solve your weight problem. And it won't even solve that unless you make lifelong changes.

I promise that the day I have one little bit of sweetness and stop there (and not because I'm being 'good' but because that's really all I want right to the core), I will come here and shout it from the rooftops.

So I'm totally wearing these jeans today and every time I sit, I fold. But I'm trying to stretch them out - I'll never be able to wash them because then they'll be tight again! Well, I guess I can wash them when I've lost another ten pounds and see how they fit then.

Weigh-in Sunday. Pretty excited. My first full-week weigh-in. And it's gonna be a good one, so far.

[nickieluv]

Weigh-in was indeed a good one this week. I am, as always, astonished by how well MF works if you let it, and don't get in the way with a lot of your own tweaking.

I'm thinking of a manicure for one of my rewards - does anybody know, will they do one and not do polish? I just want someone to file or buff or whatever, because my nails have all these ridges in them. I could totally do it myself, I even have a four-stage file for just that purpose - but I never have the time! Of course, when am I going to have the time to go for a manicure, in that case - but I've never had one and I have a gift certificate left over from my last birthday.

I am telling myself today that Pizza Hut will still be there when I reach goal. And actually, it's not even pizza that I want - it's those chocolate dunkers. Yep, the sweet tooth rearing it's ugly head again. It's just because I let myself get too hungry today. I went too long between meals (again) because we were traveling. I packed MF stuff, but I didn't have one when I should have. I need to try to get that under control, because it's going to sabotage me pretty soon. I'm losing the 'hunger shield' because of it, I think. I am secretly wishing for prices to drop again on those RTDs - but they won't, I know that. They totally make the program easy, though, and that's what I need, even as a SAHM. Maybe even especially because I have kids I'm home with all day long! But that would make the cost of my program almost $400 a month, which I would gladly do because of the results, but without a full-time income I just can't do it. Anybody got the winning lottery numbers for me?

So, why am I on here? Because I'm tired. Biki told me about the AA thing - HALT - never let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, because those are major triggers. Well, I just ate my L&G (such as it was) so I'm not hungry right now, and I'm pretty much never lonely anymore - in fact, I'd love to be lonely for just a little while - I'm not angry at the moment, although I have a hair-trigger lately because of the last letter - the T - I'm tired! Even though I was able to sleep all night last night, because it was my 3-days-on-plan reward, in some ways it seems to have just let me know how tired I really am. I mean, if 8 or 9 hours still doesn't leave you feeling rested, you're pretty behind on sleep.

I guess I'm just here to vent and to take up time and to think out loud. I'm happy with my progress and I really feel like I can get out of my own way and make it all the way to 100 days on plan. It helps that no major holidays are in that time frame - the second 100 days will be more challenging I know. And I am saying this now - I MUST NOT take a break after I reach 100 days. It will just make it really, really hard to keep going. Especially since I'll probably be at a new low weight by then and will be tempted to think it's as good as it's going to get. So somebody throw these words in my face if I get there and start talking about some kind of break, OK?

Well, baby is awake now so I'm going to get her, feed her, and head to bed. Glad to put this day behind me - oh crap, I can't go to bed, I have two more supplements to get in. Double cocoa again - ugh. I have GOT to do better - last night I was almost asleep and remembered I was one supplement short, and I didn't want to ruin my streak, so I made myself get up and drink a shake. I don't think I need to go so far as to write it down - but I could probably stand to set a timer or something. I have one right on the piano I could use - I'll set it for 2 and 1/2 hours every time I have a supplement. I might not be able to get one right when it goes off, but it will at least remind me that I'm due.

OK, I'm really going now - she quieted again so I had an extra minute - but now I have to go make that cocoa. I love this plan, really I do - I'm probably extra stressed because of my doctor's appointment tomorrow. Funny how we put so much stock in what doctors say, isn't it? But I want him to be pleased with my weight loss instead of fixating on how far I have to go, and I'm not at all sure that will happen.

[nickieluv]

The doctor said.... Nothing. But I have to go back in five months, the end of January, and I'm determined that he will say something then.

I have been dying to write about this since I thought of it last night, waiting to fall asleep.

I cannot ever go back to eating the way I did before if I expect to keep the weight off.

BUT....

No food has to be off-limits. I can be in control of my consumption.

I had a dream about doughnuts - basically little round cakes, right, so it was really the same cake dream I had last week. So I was thinking about this dream last night and almost getting ready to go out and buy a doughnut, when I realized that at goal, I can still have doughnuts.

What I can't do is buy a dozen of them and inhale them all by myself. I would think of a food that sounded yummy, and then order enough for at least three people if not more and eat it as fast as I could. So unnecessary. I probably didn't even really taste it at all. I could have one doughnut and be satisfied. It doesn't taste any different to have a dozen, so why have so many? Three cheeseburgers don't taste any better than one. Ditto for tacos, Chinese food, pizza, any other trigger food you can name. I might still WANT to sit and eat enough for an army (God I hope not!) but I don't have to do that anymore. I can exercise self-control and just have a human-sized portion of things. No one needs to eat as much food as I did - well, maybe the Olympic athletes, have you read that they eat like 12000 calories a day? And no, I did not put on an extra zero by mistake.

So, that was an empowering thought. It's basically what Robin told me at the top of this page, but I guess I needed a few days to have it percolate in my brain before I could absorb the truth of it. I don't have to be run by my cravings. I can be in charge of them, and defeat them, or indulge them wisely instead of like a crazy person.

I'm looking forward to posting (if this place is still here) a picture of me with my daughter at her high school graduation, and be one of the maintainers and say that I've maintained for 14 years. I don't want to ever fight this huge weight battle again. I want to get control of it NOW, this time, no more false starts, and stay in control. I want to buy cute little clothes with NO ELASTIC and know that when they get tight, it's time to scale back. And the best part? I can do all of that. It's now so clear what I want, it's about control - and I am the biggest control freak, just ask my husband. Well, this has been the one thing I didn't control, even though I should have and could have, while I spent all my time trying to control things and events and other people, which is IMPOSSIBLE. So now I'm taking back that control. It's not about being sexy, because frankly that's a bit scary - it's about being my best self, showing that I call the shots when it comes to my body, feeling light and alive. And I actually feel that way already.

I feel a bit different inside now. I feel so powerful. It's awesome!!!

[nickieluv]

So I spent quite a while trying to find Jo's post about what her weekly losses were - or monthly - I know she made a post like that once but after almost 200 pages of posts I still couldn't find it. Would any other maintainers be willing to post that? I'm afraid that I'm maybe not being realistic about what my average loss per week will be (I'm hoping for 3-4 pounds).

In doing all that reading, I was just wishing that Jo were here to read my last post. She literally said to me that I would not succeed until I realized I had all the control. I've finally realized that, and I feel so badly that I wasted all that time trying to cheat and rationalize and defy the odds, make MF work for me without doing it the way it was intended. I'm so glad that I figured it out eventually. The third time seems to be the charm for me - the first time I only lasted maybe a month or two, I never really got the hang of it. The second time lasted 10 months, with some stretches of compliance but mostly lots of struggles. This time, I had a couple weeks of struggles and now I feel on track and ready to do this!

[DogMa]

I read somewhere that nothing tastes as good as the first bite. So I know it's easier said than done, but ... sometimes just a bite of something is all you need.

As for the second 100 days, I would try not to think about it now or you're going to be putting too much pressure on yourself. The point of the 100 days is to NOT think too far ahead; just stick with it for now, and deal with the future when it's closer. It's much the same as maintenance; deal with staying on program now, and trust that you're learning at least some of the lessons you'll need to survive maintenance when you get there. But take it one step at a time.

That said, you're doing great. (And I saw that about Michael Phelps and what he eats every day. They said 8,000-12,000 calories a day, and showed a typical breakfast, lunch and dinner for him. One meal was far more than I eat in a whole day!! Then again, I'm sure he burns more calories in one workout than I do in a whole week.)

[jayzoe]

what a fabulous post! I've been thinking about this a lot lately too as I inch and drag myself closer to my goal why on EARTH do I have to binge and eat an ENTIRE cake or an ENTIRE gallon of ice cream, what is that all about?

I think I've been in this mentality (well you better eat it quick so you won't be tempted by it tomorrow!) that says I had to get rid of it immediately... WHY??? why can't I go ahead and have just ONE cookie and save the rest for tomorrow, they're not going to go anywhere!

I'm working on this and I think it'll come... it's a journey for sure!

anyway, just wanted to express my thanks for that post, I loved it!

[katesmom]

The doctor said.... Nothing. But I have to go back in five months, the end of January, and I'm determined that he will say something then.

I have been dying to write about this since I thought of it last night, waiting to fall asleep.

I cannot ever go back to eating the way I did before if I expect to keep the weight off.

BUT....

No food has to be off-limits. I can be in control of my consumption.

I had a dream about doughnuts - basically little round cakes, right, so it was really the same cake dream I had last week. So I was thinking about this dream last night and almost getting ready to go out and buy a doughnut, when I realized that at goal, I can still have doughnuts.

What I can't do is buy a dozen of them and inhale them all by myself. I would think of a food that sounded yummy, and then order enough for at least three people if not more and eat it as fast as I could. So unnecessary. I probably didn't even really taste it at all. I could have one doughnut and be satisfied. It doesn't taste any different to have a dozen, so why have so many? Three cheeseburgers don't taste any better than one. Ditto for tacos, Chinese food, pizza, any other trigger food you can name. I might still WANT to sit and eat enough for an army (God I hope not!) but I don't have to do that anymore. I can exercise self-control and just have a human-sized portion of things. No one needs to eat as much food as I did - well, maybe the Olympic athletes, have you read that they eat like 12000 calories a day? And no, I did not put on an extra zero by mistake.

So, that was an empowering thought. It's basically what Robin told me at the top of this page, but I guess I needed a few days to have it percolate in my brain before I could absorb the truth of it. I don't have to be run by my cravings. I can be in charge of them, and defeat them, or indulge them wisely instead of like a crazy person.

I'm looking forward to posting (if this place is still here) a picture of me with my daughter at her high school graduation, and be one of the maintainers and say that I've maintained for 14 years. I don't want to ever fight this huge weight battle again. I want to get control of it NOW, this time, no more false starts, and stay in control. I want to buy cute little clothes with NO ELASTIC and know that when they get tight, it's time to scale back. And the best part? I can do all of that. It's now so clear what I want, it's about control - and I am the biggest control freak, just ask my husband. Well, this has been the one thing I didn't control, even though I should have and could have, while I spent all my time trying to control things and events and other people, which is IMPOSSIBLE. So now I'm taking back that control. It's not about being sexy, because frankly that's a bit scary - it's about being my best self, showing that I call the shots when it comes to my body, feeling light and alive. And I actually feel that way already.

I feel a bit different inside now. I feel so powerful. It's awesome!!!

Hi Nickie,
I too, would like to thank you for this post...It is written with complete honesty and we all ( us food addicts) can really learn from it ! We DO have control over the food, but something tells us we don't when we give in to cravings...I am very happy that you shared your feelings and I agree with you that we DO have the control !!!

Thanks too Jo , wherever you are, for inspiring Nickie with that post.

[nickieluv]

I hear ya, Robin - one day at a time. One moment at a time, when necessary. Tomorrow will already be 10 days - 10% of the way to my first goal. It's crazy! I know the time will fly by - I just have to choose to either be on-plan, or not. I choose on-plan, of course!

I'm glad my post could be helpful to others. It's such an 'aha!' moment, for something that should be so simple - don't eat so much! But I really just thought it was the food that was the problem - that I couldn't control myself, couldn't help but binge, when yummy stuff was involved. And that to be thin, I'd have to ban all treats from my life forever. But in reality, I just need to redefine what a treat is.

When my daughter has a treat, it's one serving - literally. I look at the package and make sure to only give her one serving. I could just as easily do the same for myself. If I slow down and savor it, it really will be a treat. It's not quantity, it's quality. And I have to remember it will improve my quality of life, also, to not be afraid of food and eating, and to have a body I can live in and thrive in.

I, for the first time, feel pretty good about this journey. I feel calm, not worried. I know that if I keep this mindset, I can make it all the way and then maintain for the rest of my life. So I can just relax and stay on-plan, because I know someday I'll be transitioning. I won't have to diet forever, and therefore I can let things wait until this phase ends. Brace yourselves for the after pictures, fans!

[nickieluv]

I'm counting yesterday as an on-plan day but last night as I was falling asleep I suddenly couldn't remember what my first supplement of the day was. I was just double-checking that I got in all my food, and I could not for the life of me remember. So I think maybe I forgot to have my first supplement. I'm not sure. I operated all day believing I'd had it, I counted my meals as if I'd had it, so I didn't consciously skip a meal. That's why I'm counting it as an on-plan day. But I think it might have been a 4&1 day accidentally. I suppose it shouldn't matter but I really wanted to do these 100 days as perfectly as possible. It's nagging at me that maybe I screwed up yesterday without knowing it. Oh well, time to move on. Silly to obsess about it, so I'm just not going to.

I was back down today to a little under Sunday's weight, after being up yesterday a pound from too much sodium. I'm out of the prepackaged fish thank goodness, because it has this sauce on it that is carbless but loaded with salt. But with my husband on his other diet it doesn't seem fair to make him cook for me (I don't do meat because of the splatter, I always burn myself!) so I was having the fish because I can nuke it.

So yesterday was our anniversary, and I suggested we order dinner so no one would have to cook. Well, I thought I could get a steak and veggies and portion it out and be all good. But the steak was $16 and my husband wanted pizza/wings for another $26, and I just couldn't bring myself to pay so much for dinner for two people. So I got nothing, and he got the pizza and wings. I had to help my daughter with her pizza, and the wings were wide open in the kitchen and I had to be right next to them while I cooked my own stuff. I did not succumb, but thank goodness I don't have that kind of temptation every day. The pizza didn't really look good, but the wings did. I felt like I owed him pizza, because he'd wanted it over the weekend and I had to beg him not to. He was going to get Pizza Hut and get the chocolate dunkers (you know, that I mentioned here a few days ago?) and I knew I wouldn't be safe with them in the house. I'm good, but not THAT good.

So probably because of the temptations last night I'm feeling extra mental hunger today. I did have a shake already, much better timing today (and I'm SURE I had it ) but I'm already starving. So probably that's a good argument, too, that I probably did forget a supplement yesterday. Argh!! Maybe I should not count it as an on-plan day? It just seems so unfair because it wasn't done on purpose!! But if it wasn't a proper day, it doesn't seem right to count it. I wish I'd never taken inventory last night! I could have just gone on believing I'd had all my meals.

Well, that's all the news from here. Today is day 10 (or day 1? - oh, hell, it's day 10 - but crap, I feel guilty!) and I still have to think of what reward I want. Man, I've got to get over this. I really feel like I should start over and call today day 1. I feel like it's cheating if I don't, because I'm really starting to believe I didn't get in all my meals yesterday. Someone save me from myself!!!!!

[DogMa]

So if you missed a shake yesterday, have an extra day today. It'll even out, and it'll help with the hunger. (And that stinks about dinner. I'm sorry. Bear in mind that SOME of the hunger today is probably emotional and not physical. You were probably pretty disappointed last night, and maybe even a little angry? It's only natural, and now's a perfect time to work on emotional eating. Accept your feelings, talk about them, DEAL with them in some way.)

Re: treats and your daughter ... not only are they only one serving, but I'm guessing not all her treats are even food-related. Does she get other "treats," like going somewhere special or doing someth she doesn't get to do all the time? I know when my younger cousins were little, a "treat" could be something as simple as going to the park to play, or getting to pick the movie we rented, or being in charge of the remote for an hour. We need to remind ourselves that we can treat ourselves with things other than food.

[nickieluv]

I am struggling with wanting to eat off-plan stuff today. I had the PB snack, which I don't think is still considered on-plan but it used to be, so I'm counting it. It had the allure of something off-plan so I'm hoping it will fit the bill. Plus I shared with my daughter after measuring so I didn't get the full amount.

I was disappointed I guess last night. What I wound up having was a lot less satisfying than the steak I had figured was coming. But after all the spending I've done lately I couldn't justify spending so much on dinner. I want to pay off the credit cards that I used by the end of this month, because we have some extra money coming in. I can't do that if I squander it little by little. And my husband wanted the pizza. It wasn't good for him, but he's dealing with his own emotional eating issues he says. Unresolved past family stuff but he's working on it with someone.

Anyway, thanks Robin for bringing up that idea. I thought I was fine with last night's events, but I guess I really wasn't. I guess a lot of my eating was, like you said, to ignore or bury issues that I didn't want to admit or face.

I came up with a compromise on the missing shake thing. I've been coloring my 'good' days green. So I colored yesterday yellow and made a little key at the bottom of the page. Green = on-plan foods only, and yellow = accidentally missed shake. Hopefully I won't need to use yellow again. It still counts towards my 100 days, since it was an accident, but I feel better because I've made the distinction between yesterday and the other days. I was already planning to make today orange = off-plan foods, but I came here before heading for the granola bars or cereal or whatever else I could find. I'm glad I did. It's a new day and my goals are more important than any food. Just sitting here, reading replies and typing, I am feeling more calm. I can have oatmeal all day to fill me up better, and I've been going to bed earlier lately so even if I've had all my meals by 6 it won't matter too much. And yes, I can have the extra shake if it comes down to that or a really bad choice. I hate to do that because I'm just such an anal person, but hey, if I do, I can always use another color if it gets to me tomorrow.

Day by day, week by week, I can just keep making better choices and make it to where I want to be.

Now, I have to get to work figuring out my 10-day reward.